Yesterday

Yesterday began MUCH earlier than I expected. 4am to be precise. My phone rang. It did indeed wake me up. It does not USUALLY ring at such an hour. So, I looked at the caller id and made the sinking decision to answer it. It was the young man I sponsor. 4 am phone calls are never good. Not as bad as I expected though. The *I've gone back out* call would have resulted in *Then call me when you're sober* but instead I heard an unintelligible string of and tears. Apparently, he went to a nasty place in his memory where his life was pretty much shit and he was being abused. Then to make it worse, he kept trying to tell himself it didn't really happen. Understandable, but not terribly useful. It was remarkably like talking to someone on acid. I was more than certain that he was still in whatever place he had gone to and couldn't get back yet. It was kinda scary. I briefly entertained the idea of driving to his house, but I knew he was not alone. Although what his lover thought of this turn of events is anyone's guess. He has not spoken of it. So, I talked to him until he seemed more lucid. And told him to eat and drink some water. Possibly not the most creative of ideas but it was 4 fucking o'clock in the morning.
So, being a somewhat normal person, I made some decisions (after having gone back to sleep until the sun was up) and did my sitting and went to yoga class and showered and called some folks before I made any attempt to talk to him again. My biggest concern is causing more harm. I had some people say things like *he's so damaged that you can't possibly cause more harm.* I don't believe that. If I reinforce what he has already learned from life then, I think I could actually do more harm. I don't think that being honest and expecting honesty from him is harmful. Painful for him, yes. But, harmful? No.
After I saw him and assured myself that he was this side of sane (just) I proceeded to get ready for our Lughnasadh Ritual. It was small and lovely. Not too sure my trance was the best, but, if nothing needs work, I'm ready for the grave. We had 2 new people and the old people. A woman who has been looking for Reclaiming in Pittsburgh for a year. We've been out there since 2003! Everything in its own time. Funny how we're so hard to find. I remember when I was looking and finding nothing. Cause there was nothing. So, we started something. Now, at least, there are folks to find. And we're listed on the website for crying out loud! We have contact numbers and email and a yahoo group that always answers queries. I know, cause I answer them. AND, we're listed on Witchvox as a group and events are listed. So, anyway, that's my rant.
And then, after the ritual we went out for coffee and I didn't get home til late. Now, it is today. Not quite such a crush of activites but plenty to do, nonethe less. So, I'm off to do stuff.

So, enough about other people. Where am I at? Well, I feel like I am sort of in an inbetween place. Or, maybe a jumping off place would be a better way of explaining it. Not that I'm not content with where I am, I am. But, I feel like a lot is happening that I can't actually put words to. Like I'm moving but I can't see where I'm going yet. Like walking while looking at your feet. I feel like I'm detecting movement but it is so subtle that the shift is not complete enough to be noticable yet. Like watching the sun set or clouds move on a windless day. And yet, some changes have shifted enough to be felt. But, unfortunately, I can not put them into words...but I want to. I'm very wordy. That's sone of the shifts. I am becoming more *careful* with my words. Not that I don't talk A LOT still, cause I do. But, I am more aware of my words and their impact. Even on me. And I've been craving, and taking time and space for myself. A lot of time and space. It must have been needed. I am still feeling the need for my own time and space. But, I really enjoyed coffee tonight and the prospect of ritual tomorrow. And next weekend. Tha's the payoff of time for me; I enjoy time with my friends so much more when I've given myself the time I need.
Weird post, I know.

shifting

Yesterday I was stuck in how painful it is to watch someone else in pain. Today, I am okay with the watching. This feels weird. Like I'm saying pain is okay. Which it is. Yesterday I was afraid I was doing harm to someone else by being uncompassionate. I was not. I listened, I was present, Iwas supportive. I want to be able to be more helpful. But since I do not know how what I can do must be enough. Or they must find different support elsewhere. I cannot sanction staying in the pain but I can honour being there.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to go with the chance that no one will read this and just write what is on my heart...cause otherwise my heart will explode!
I sponsor this kid in A.A. and he is working on his 4th step right now. It is a hugely painful process for anyone, but up close it is almost too much to watch. I can't help him really. This is his process and it is a painful one. The phone calls are so draining. He wants to be *let off the hook* and told he doesn't have to do this. But, that is not the case. This is where the magic meets the road. It is the beginning of a lifetime of work. The work becomes more familiar but I don't know that it becomes any easier. I guess the first time you do this from a place of honesty is the most painful. And there it is. I'm not sure he is doing this from a place of honesty. Yes, he wants the relief that will come from this process but he wants it without the work and the pain. It doesn't happen like that. Okay, he wants the easier, softer way. It does not exist. At least not an easier, softer way that will keep him sober and let him learn how to live at ease with himself. I am afraid he is playing games and just doing this because I said he needed to do something. I said, do a 4th step. But, I'm his sponsor, not his higher power. I feel lost and like I'm doing more harm thatn good. I suggested he get a new sponsor but he does not want to.
I did some divination over this and the result was a yes, you are helping. I don't see how. Perhaps my lesson in all of this is to learn patience with someone else's suffering while not actually being able to DO anything. Just be present for them. I wish I had a bandaid or an ice pack that would help his wounds but I do not. I am very afraid that he is not able to see himself honestly yet and therefore will not find the healing he is seeking. But, this too is something I cannot *fix*.

owie...but good

No one told me when I started yoga, oh 6-7 years ago, that it could be strenuous. See, at the time, I was convinced I was made of eggshells or some equally fragile substance. Well, I know that now. What I didn't know was that I didn't keep up on my own. Thought I did. Seemed pretty flexible. Well, WRONG!! So, owie. But its okay. I feel alive. And lighter. Not sure how that works. Must be an alignment thing. At least I understood what was going on. I hate being *the new kid* and having no idea what is happening. No, I'm not a control freak. (smirk)

Shadow Work

I am sponsoring a kid in A.A. He's on his 4th step. He had a moment of remorse at witchcamp because he didn't take the shadow path. He didn't need to. He's got shadow work of his own. Welcome to the world of raiths. Nightmares. No sleep. I remember. I know. He feels like he's the only person in the whole world who has such hard work to do. No one said it was easy. Just that it works. Its painful to watch and hard on my end too. But, at least, I can assure him that it DOES work. The shadows get different. One develops skills for working with them. They lay new patterns and become habit. Ways of working in the world and the innerworld. It will become more comfortable. Note, I did not say it gets any easier. But, knowing the pattern of work leading to ease of living with myself, I know the payoff is worth the effort. So, I watch and listen and tell him how it was with me. He freaks out. I listen. It's HARD! I know that. But it's worth the work!

Next will come the step wherein he will learn the meaning of some of his favourite words: integrity and *know my in all my parts*. See, in the next step, he must share his 4th step with another human being. It will be a step toward wholeness and REAL acceptance of ALL his parts. Those parts we want to take with us to the grave and never really SEE. They lose their power when confronted and spoken. Its like magic. Blessed be the Powers of Air. Building integrity and *knowing*.

Patterns

I think I see a pattern here. First something happens. It creates strong emotions. Mostly anger, resentment. Then, grief. Then there is movement. I find it interesting that emotions I would *think* would cause or allow movement just seem to cause or allow *spin*. In which one spins in the emotion and nothing much changes except sometimes things get broken. And then, in the waves of an emotion that I tend to think of as rather paralyzing, things begin to shift, and change, and happen. I like patterns.

Just for fun, how many can ya think of?

drum beat patterns: I'll stop there because these need no explanation.
colors
shapes
words
letters
life cycles
experiences (apparently)
sounds
numbers (but, of course)

Just thinkin'

The joints in my legs have mutinied. They now reside on that island with the descendants of HMS Bounty. I hope they are happy. This all took place because I decided I could jog 6 miles! What was I thinking?! Well, okay, in all honesty, I did walk some. But still. I don't know when my knees and the balls of my feet will forgive me. And I was wearing really good shoes. So...could this be obcession. I do think one could call it that. Note to self: MUST SET REALISTIC GOALS! Yeah, I will not be doing that again soon. But, I did do it, so, if ever it comes up in conversation, I am capable of such.

And then, there is that musing from yesterday. I have come to realize that I have to let other people have their process. Even if it is painful to watch. And it is. But from such threads the fabric of our lives are woven.

thoughts on coddling and compassion

So, I've been thinking lately about boundaries and compassiona and coddling. Now, for background, I am rather good at coddling. I am compassionate to a fault. I must stop myself from doing for others what they can do for themselves. This, for me, is a learned skill. As I get older, it becomes easier...I have less energy I am willing to devote to someone else's work. This is good all round. I have a mentoree who needs to be spoken to plain. He needs words unmixed with euphemism. These confuse and he runs off at a tangent and gets lost in the surrounding forest. It's not about the forest. He CAN see how his own behaviour works. He just gets tired when he realizes that he is the one who needs to do the work to change the things that keep him up at night and cranky in the day. I had a day, today when it was necessary to say many things in plain language. Being me, I try to find the kindest way to say them. There is no point in using the truth to wound people who are already bleeding. But, sometimes the method by which the wound can be healed is as painful as living with the infected wound. I know that. But, once the wound is treated, it can begin to heal. Look at the painful shit. Face it head on. He is trying. I am trying to hold my boundaries. I have a life that does not include him. I have practise that does not include him. (Although we share a coven.) It is not good if his pain bleeds into every part of my life. He asked me today, *How do I separate from people I know are sick and still keep the relationship?* Well, that's a good question. It takes a lot of work and on occasion talk and tears. Especially if that person is a room mate. And it may be that you need to make plans to move on. The relationship may be so sick that it is not a keeper. I've had a few of those myself. They are hard to stay in and hard to get out of. Getting out, I always wonder what got me started in the first place and what need kept me there until the sickness hit me like a brick? I have boundaries today that keep me in a place where I can set the limits for my life. No one will set them for me. I am the only one in charge of my self care. If I do the things that keep me healthy and sane I'll be on no use to anyone else. Or myself. I'm feeling okay with the things I said to him today. They were not easy but they were true. They were hard truths, but he asked the questions and as his mentor, I felt that speaking the plain truth so that it could be looked at was the best thing. He's been dancing around these issues for a long time. Months. If no one calls it what it is...it is called denial. Let's be honest. Let's look at this for what it really is. Then you can decide if you want to lance it and get the pus out or live with the infection. It was a hard day. I am emotionally exhausted. I was physically exhausted but I took a nap. That helped. Apparently, sleep helps us process difficult things. Stagnation or blindness can keep us awake. A deliberate ply by our subconscious to not see, not process, something we find scary? I'm just thinking, is all.

Ranting

Excuse me while I rant! I'm just annoyed at people not minding their own bloody business. See, how someone else chooses to live or behave is noy really my business unless it affects me personally! Otherwise it just sounds co-dependent and controling to me. And yes, it gets my back up when this happens. (it's not happening *to me* mind you. Just going on in a chat I've been having on another blog.) I have said my piece. I took a stand for everyone getting to have their own experience and therefore weaving their own life. Whether I would make those chioces or not. Just saying...

Life is like a day at the beach

My motto is Continuous Change and Infinite Possibilities but, I have a new one that has been helpful lately.
If you dive into the wave, it won't knock you over. Ya get just as wet, mind you. But ya don't get a nose full of salt water. Now, this too can be helpful, and cleansing, but then you need a tissue.
Just thinkin'.

This is nearly unheard of, but I have another post all in the same day. eblogger likes me today. Sometimes it won't let me in. So, I'll take advantage and post twice. I am very excited. I jogged today. I have not been able to jog in a few years. My knees would not take it. Well, I got some new shoes and I made an interesting little discovery while teaching my summer camp kids how to use a Skip It.
I discovered a way to put my feet down that was less jarring. Woo Hoo!

Okay, its official. My body does not appreciate beef or chicken. I do not like fish all that much...I almost never eat it. So, I am a vegetarian because my body insists. TMI? Something new to discover every day!